Conversations with Erik Part 2

So, remember how last time I came home from school Erik was reading “Twilight?”  Well, this time he was still trying to understand it, especially “Breaking Dawn”.  I think he gave himself a headache, poor little guy.

Erik: So what you are trying to tell me is that Renesmee*, the half-human, half-vampire mutant spawn is in love with a boy who is sometimes a wolf and who used to be in love with her mother?
*Erik refuses to refer to Renesmee as “Nessie” because that would be disrespectful. Bless him.
Me: pretty much.
Erik (somewhat bewildered): Despite the fact that she is, at her oldest, only a few months old?
Me: mm-hmm.
Erik: And technically half-dead?
Me: You got it.
Erik: And he could lose control at any moment and maim her?
Me: yep.
Erik: And he’s loved her since she was only an egg in Bella’s body?
Me: *sweatdrop* uh-huh.
Erik (now VERY bewildered): But that makes it pedophilia, bestiality, and necrophilia all in one!  Not to mention the social awkwardness of the fact that until the moment of her birth he loved her mother who is almost the same age as him! *is confuzzled in a debonair way*
*Awkward pause*
Erik: But…if Jacob loved Bella because she carried the egg that would become Renesmee, then technically wouldn’t he have also loved Edward?
Me: …! (thinking: hoyay, zomg!)

That actually didn’t occur to me (probably since I never took the books as seriously as Erik does), but he has a point.  I mean, the idea of Jacob imprinting on Edward’s cold dead sperm is probably the creepiest “Twilight” possibility out there. What if Stephenie Meyer had actually put that in the books?  Where would we be now? *shudders*

Erik: That is…distressing.
Me: *mind still reeling from an Edward/Jacob shipping* Yeah...sure. Anything else you find…distressing? *secretly hoping for more shippings*
Erik: *shakes head vigorously as if casting away such filth* Well, thematically the ending makes no sense.  I mean, why spend one hundred pages building up the tension only to have it end with, as you say, “Let’s hug it out, bitch.”
Me: Well, it makes more sense than a freaky mutant vampire baby…
Erik: True, however it was disappointing.  I, for one, expected more from the Volturi.
Me: Wait, your favorite characters were the Volturi?!
Erik: Of course.

Now, this I found interesting.  I thought he’d be like me and like Jasper (he’s badass), Alice (she’s awesome), or Carlisle (he’s compassionate and sane).  I personally thought he’d love Carlisle to bits, for his “upstanding moral fiber” or something.  Maybe it’s because the Volturi have cloaks?

Me: Did you like anything else?
Erik: Wellll…no.  I have no idea what is wrong with today’s youth.  Books are freely accessible and all the classics are translated into English.  We are truly surrounded by a wealth of educational materials.
Me: Like what?
Erik: For example, I watched that show you were telling me about the other day, “Sesame Street.”

O.k., this part may require some explaining.  The first day I left Erik home alone while I was at summer school, I came home around 12:30 and he was watching Sesame Street.  He wasn’t sure what to make of it, so I decided to joke with him a bit.  I told him that the muppets were genetically-engineered mutants who try to educate young children.  He didn’t seem to require much more info, so now he believes that “Sesame Street” is real…like some sort of educational reality show.

Me: Oh really?
Erik: Yes, that Count is truly a delightful man; he seems to take such joy from his work.  Instilling knowledge in the leaders tomorrow is such a noble profession.
Me: *stifling laughter* I like him too.
Erik: And his underground lair is impressive.  Imagine, a talking organ!  And he is plainly the sharpest dresser.  The others are more remiss in their clothing if they wear it at all.  That Elmo is a corruptive force, even if he can play the piano.
Me: Indeed. What was the number of the day?
Erik: 5.

There you have it. Today's Conversations with Erik was brought to you by the number 5 and the letter V.