C.W.E. Bonus: Lestat v. Edward

O.K. thanks to iWearAmask, I’ve been inspired to do a Lestat/Edward face-off.  I’m not gonna lie, Erik’s not in this one.  He hates Edward and finds him kinda creepy. So, I present to you, an Erik-less “Conversations With Erik.”

Me: *in my room, ironing a “Team Lestat” patch onto a black shirt*
Edward: *shoom!*
Me: What the hell…?
Edward: *is crouching on my windowsill*
Me: Wither and die freak! *brandishes hot iron*
Edward: *pouts* I’m not a freak. I may be Undead and heartless and damned, but I AM NOT A FREAK! *soap opera sobs*
Me: O.o

I think Edward kinda gets off on his woe.  I mean, the man enjoys being emo and miserable.  Which is probably why he married the Whiniest Bitch on Earth.  Edward’s self-loathing and masochism are the only reasons I can find to justify his relationship of eternal whining with Bella.  Or maybe the just deserve each other.

Edward: You humans can be SO insensitive. I mean, just because I am a scourge upon the earth, my corpse unfit for even the consumption of the lowliest worm, does not mean that I don’t have feeeeelings.  But such is my fate as one marked to look like a killer.  Don’t I look like a monstrous murderer?
Lestat: *arrives in a puff of smoke and light* No.  Actually, you freaking sparkle, which is rather pathetic.
Me: *quietly* this is gonna be good...
Edward: Who are you?  And why did you interrupt my Monologue of Murderous Woe?
Lestat: *in shock* Are you saying that you do not recognize me?  Not even from my rockstar days?  *holds up signed poster of The Vampire Lestat Band*
Edward: No.  Should I? *snottily*
Lestat: Do you read?  I’m the infamous Vampire Lestat, the protagonist of “Anne Rice”’s classic genre-defining novels. You OWE me for opening up the genre for gay vampires, you punk.
Edward: Oh, I don’t read those dreadful horror novels. They corrupt and pollute your mind.  I would much rather read Proust.  And did you just call me gay?  ‘Cause I’m married. Happily.  To the most lovely, beautiful, endearingly clumsy woman on Earth.  We’re going to live together in perfect, sparkly love FOREVER with our freaky mutant vampire baby of LOVE.
Lesatat: You are wrong in the head.  And, my mistake, it’s just I assumed…
Me: You know relationships don’t last forever, right?
Edward: Bella and I share the most heart-breakingly resplendent love on earth.  What would you know of our love?  You live with a masked man and a toaster.
Me: 1)I love that masked man. 2) You are lucky to be alive right now, because that “masked man” and even the toaster could kick your sparkly, pretentious ass. And 3) HOW DO YOU KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT ME, CREEPER?!
Edward: *shrugs in a self-satisfied fashion* I. Read. Minds.
Me: Do you want a friggin’ parade?  That comes standard with vampirism. Lestat can do that too. And fly.  And set things on fire with his mind. Seriously, piss him off and we’ll all be roasting marshmallows over your burning corpse of DOOM.
Edward: *is freaked out and put out* You’re lying!  I’m the only vampire who can read minds!
Lestat: Stop acting like a three-year-old….
Me: (this coming from a manpire who threw a tantrum over a swan bed)
Lestat:…And you should be ashamed. Your super powers suck.  And your fashion sense is atrocious.  What is it with you and beige?  It’s so blah.
Edward: You did not just insult my sense of style. Better to be tastefully simple than dress like a human peacock.

And this is where all shit went down.  I mean, you can make fun of Lestat’s accent, his origins, his rejections, what have you, but you CANNOT insult the manpire’s clothes and live.

Lestat: *baring fangs* *hiss*
Edward: *bares inadequate canine teeth that look like they were professionally bleached*
Lestat: *giggles* They’re so…small! *giggles*
Edward: Size isn’t everything!  Bella told me so!
Me: *bursts out laughing*
Edward: I do not approve of what you are thinking right now!  It is base and vulgar!  Such vulgarity I have never been exposed to! *flounces out in a huff*
Lestat: That went well.
Me: Actually better than I expected.
Edward: *reappears* I forgot my compact. *picks up compact and flounces out awkwardly*
Me: You still have better exits and entrances.
Lestat: Fo’sho.