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:iconthephantomess: More from thephantomess




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October 29, 2009
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So, apparently Lestat was interested in meeting the other sparklepires after his legendary faceoff with Edward.  He invited the mutant vamps over to show them how REAL vampires live.  Initially, this resulted in little more than awkward silence and awkward non-fidgeting.  Here's what the Cullens were thinking…
Rosalie: (This is so lame…I hope my hair looks nice…Of course it does, it always looks nice…That auburn-haired kid's kinda cute.)
Emmett: (GAH! I. am. Missing. The. Game.)
Jasper: (I hope they don't introduce me as "Jazz."  I hate that name.  Why do they call me that?  Do I call Edward "Wardo?")
Alice: (I wanna braid Louis's hair and do his clothes and…screw it, I'm giving them all makeovers.  Frock coats are sooo last century.)
Esme: (I hope the decorative shrubbery we brought isn't an awkward hostess gift.  They'll never see it during the day…What if they hate gardening?!) *wringing hands*
Carlisle: (I can't believe Edward made a friend.)
Edward: (I feel oddly attracted to the auburn-haired one…No!  Bella is here! Bella, my looooooove!)
Bella: (Boooring. Why do we have to meet these losers, anyway?  I know I'm a better vamp than them because I was BORN to be a vamp.  Also, I have the best power: a really, really, really, really, really thick skull.)

The Ricepires (Lestat, Louis, Armand, Quinn, Merrick, Marius, and David Talbot), with the exception of Marius and David, were all displaying various degrees of indifference or ennui.  While the Cullens stood in a greeting line, the RP's were draped over a few couches and chairs, ever-so-slightly turned in the Cullens' general direction.  They are rude.  I love them.  Marius and David are facing the greeting line graciously.  After a while, Marius, David, and Carlisle decide to be mature adults and introduce themselves.  The Cullens went down the line saying their names as if they were the Undead Brady Bunch.  Alice explained that they hadn't had enough time to put together a new musical number for their introduction after adding Bella to the family.  The Ricepires, except for Lestat and Quinn, were content to let Marius point and give out names.  Finally, the awkwardness subsided and they began to mingle.  It seems that Edward had a difficult time.

Quinn: Edward, I'm going to be very direct with you.  I find you attractive.
Edward: I know.  Everyone does.
Quinn: Will you sign my poster?
Edward: *sigh* *signs*
Quinn: …
Edward: …
Quinn:…
Edward: What?
Quinn: Want to share a coffin later?
Edward: We don't sleep.
Quinn: That's not what I had in mind.
Edward: I have to go now.

…Then he fled to the empty punch bowl like a nervous prom date.  (Marius wasn't sure what "refreshments" to put out, but he set up a snack station anyway.)

Edward: Do you have any idea how difficult it is to be so ridiculously sexy?
Armand: Actually, yes.  And don't worry, you're not.
Edward: How would you know, jailbait?
Armand: (calling after him) …Says the 17-year-old with a middle-aged fanbase.  Yeah, I know about "Twilight Moms"!

Our poor sparklepire decides to talk to Merrick, who's discussing psychic stuff with Alice.  Alice sees Edward coming and leaves to talk to Louis.  You don't have to be clairvoyant to foresee Edward being party buzzkill.  Maybe he and Bill Compton should get together.  Form a Vampire Wet Blanket Club or something.  Anyways…

Edward: *being a bit diva-ish by now* So what are you, some kind of shaman or something?
Merrick: I'm a witch, but I do some voodoo too.
Edward: You know it's pronounced "Voh-Doo," right?
Merrick: I'm from New Orleans, asshole.  We say "Voo-doo"
Edward: Father!  She said a bad word!  Make her put a nickel in the swear jar!
Merrick: *rolls eyes* *wishes she could still drink rum*
Carlisle: But son, you were being an asshole.
Merrick: Amen to that. *begins chatting up Carlisle*
Edward: *sulk*

Meanwhile, Bella has cornered Louis and is telling him emo stories about how awful her life was pre-Edward.  
Bella: …And everyone wanted to be my friend on the first day of school even though I was obviously superior to them.  Do you know how hard that is?
Louis: I lost my wife and child.
Bella: *ignore* …and there was this one awful girl who invited me to –get this- go shopping with her, like I was her friend or something.  And then a bunch of guys asked me to prom and I was like, "Hell-o, too good for you, remember?" And they were like, "But we really wanna go with you!" And I was like-
Louis: (Why does that line never have the intended effect?)

Then Alice braided Lestat's hair and they talked about clothes.  Marius though Alice was cute, but maybe should grow her hair longer.  David is talking soccer with Emmett, who insists that soccer isn't a real sport.  Rosalie and Armand are looking at themselves in the mirror and Rose realizes that she's met her match.  Jasper is using every ounce of his power to restrain Quinn's fanboyness, but it's not working.  Quinn is hoping that Edward will notice his "Team Edward" t-shirt with "Q+E 4EVA" on the back.  Esme is trying to hide the shrubbery she brought as a hostess gift.  But where was baby Renesmee?

[Somewhere in Forks, WA]
Babysitter: AAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAaaaaah!!!!!!
YES! i finally put this up in honor of Halloween. i wrote this a while back, but it took forever to type and i put it off. hope you like it! Happy Halloween, y'all.
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:iconfreakkynbree:
FreakkynBree Featured By Owner Mar 5, 2011
' - Yeah, I know about "Twilight Moms!'

XD LAWL!
Reply
:iconvamped66:
vamped66 Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2010
This is one of the most awesome things I have ever read. Period.
:)
Reply
:iconkitten-and-molf:
Kitten-And-Molf Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2010  Hobbyist Writer
'Amen to that'

You just made my day!
Reply
:icongothbarbiegirl:
GothBarbieGirl Featured By Owner Dec 2, 2009
LOLz "But son you were being an asshole"
OMFG! Awesome!
Reply
:iconsutaakihitori:
SutaakiHitori Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2009
lmao. That just made me day, I must say.
Reply
:iconthephantomess:
thephantomess Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2009
thanks. hmm, renesmee/claudia face-off sounds like a good follow-up. except there's really no competition for claudia, since she's the evil mastermind. renesmee's special ability is cuteness/freaky-transmitter-thingy, right? and then her name and nickname are epic fail as well, so it's just too easy for claudia. even dead claudia would win. come to think of it, dead claudia is even scarier than alive-claudia.
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:iconiwearamask:
iWearAmask Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2009
Darrrn, I wanted to see a Renesmee/Claudia face-off. XDDD

This was epic win, regardless.
Reply
:iconkiki-ishtar:
Kiki-ishtar Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2009
lol, i knew this was coming sooner or later :XD: it's hilarious, great job :D
Reply
:iconpoplarleaves:
poplarleaves Featured By Owner Oct 29, 2009  Student Digital Artist
(laughs hysterically)

Oh God. And if you don't believe in a god, oh holy cow deity. XD
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